


I Told You Two Thousand Times, My Dear

by Pippin



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Brief kidnapping, M/M, Mentions of Violence, Self-Hatred, i guess you can call it angst, light angst?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-07-10 22:04:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15958466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pippin/pseuds/Pippin
Summary: Never to fall in love with a man who's broken beyond all repair





	I Told You Two Thousand Times, My Dear

It wasn’t that Juno didn’t believe he didn’t deserve good things.  It just was that, well, he didn’t deserve good things.  See, Juno Steel was the type of person who ruined everything he touched, and the proof of that had popped up again and again over the course of his miserable life.  Yasmin Swift.  Annie Wire.  Benzaiten Steel.  Peter _fucking_ Nureyev.

Juno had had years to…not come to terms, exactly, with Annie and Benten’s deaths, but certainly to get used to deal with the constant underlying guilt and pain.  Fresher deaths meant fresher pains, but the worst gaping wound in Juno’s scarred psyche was Nureyev.  The way he had said Juno’s name as Juno had left him was what haunted Juno’s nightmares, warped from a sound of confusion and sadness into one of hatred and vengeance.  He wasn’t even dead, but it wasn’t like that mattered to the nightmares, the night _terrors_ that took the form of a twisted and perverse version of Nureyev’s lanky frame leering at Juno as he laid paralyzed, those sharp teeth dripping with blood that Juno could have sworn he could also feel dripping down his neck, the fucked up semblance of a life he had built draining with it.

There was a reason Juno hadn’t tried to fund Nureyev.

Well.

There was a reason Juno hadn’t had _Rita_ try to find Nureyev. 

There was no doubt in Juno’s mind that Nureyev despised him ( _ ~~how could anyone ever love someone as damaged and dangerous as Juno Steel~~_ ).  That they would never cross paths again, that the best thing in Juno’s life was gone forever, and all because of some goddamn commitment issues and an overwhelming and sudden fear of leaving the only life he had ever known.

Everything had gone downhill from there, like some sort of universal karma punishing Juno.  But hey, what else was new?

…the answer was that his current situation was new.  As a private eye, Juno was well used to being beat up, being tied up, what-have-you.  This, though, was something out of the ordinary.  The kidnapping part was sort of par for the course (and what sort of sad life did he lead, where being _kidnapped_ was just something he could shrug off like it was nothing?), but it didn’t usually lead to being in some sort of bizarre futuristic setting, like something off of one of Rita’s streams.  The rolling in Juno’s stomach suggested that perhaps they weren’t on solid ground, something corroborated by the window Juno realized he could see out of when he just turned his head.

Which was a _bad_ idea, holy hell.  Juno would have doubled over and clutched his stomach, had he not been tied to the chair he was currently sitting on.  As it was, the contents of his stomach ended up more on his lap, so goodbye to everything he was wearing.  It was his favorite trench coat, too.

“And they said you were some sort of wonder worker,” a strange voice said.  The woman clicked her tongue in disappointment as she came into view.  “How the mighty fall.”

“You must have me mixed up with someone else, lady,” Juno spat back, though his voice came out rather weaker than he had hoped. 

The lady looked more disappointed, if possible.  “Oh, Pemberton certainly talked you up.  The great Juno Steel, he said.  The best private eye in Hyperion City.”

Juno ran through client lists in his head.  The name Pemberton didn’t ring any bells, though that didn’t mean much.  Maybe the man had just heard of him through a friend or something like that.

“He seemed quite excited to have you on board.”  The lady crouched in front of Juno, wrinkling her nose delicately at the mess he had made of himself.  “ _Quite_ excited.”  She pulled Juno’s chin up, sharp nails digging into the skin. 

“Oh, Nikola, don’t spoil the fun.”  The voice was familiar and Juno turned his head so quickly that he nearly gave himself whiplash, nearly tipped over the chair he was tied to, nearly vomited again.

Peter Nureyev stood in the doorway, long limbs arranged elegantly as he leaned against the doorway, knife dancing through the long fingers of one delicate hand, looking for all the world as if the current situation was nothing out of the ordinary.  Like it was every day that he was reunited with someone who had walked out on him, someone who had as good as said _I love you_ , the simple phrase echoed in sentiment both ways.  Every day he _threw the goddamn knife he had been playing with at Juno’s head_.

“What the hell!” Juno couldn’t stop the exclamation as the knife lodged itself firmly in the synthetic wood not an inch from Juno’s throat.  Nureyev stalked closer, all the grace and deadly beauty and hyper-focused intentness of a big cat with its eyes on its prey.  Juno automatically shrunk into himself.  He had trusted this man, trusted him with his life, and now, it seemed, he had come to collect Juno’s death.

“Leave us, Nikola,” Nureyev said, voice cold as he waved a hand in dismissal.  Nikola grumbled but did so, and Nureyev’s gaze on Juno’s face sharpened.

“Juno Steel.”  He had never said Juno’s name in that particular tone, so full of ice and distance, not even the first time they had met.  It brought all of Juno’s self-loathing rise to the surface, thick and cloying enough to make him choke.

“I’m so sorry, Nur—ach.”

Juno was cut off suddenly by the heavy weight of a knife pressing at his throat, and he remembered with sudden clarity the boy Nureyev had once been, the boy who had killed Mag with only minimal hesitation.  He was sure that Nureyev would show even less hesitation in killing Juno here and now.  After all, he had hurt him just as much.

 _And who wouldn’t want you dead, little monster?  So many others are dead because of you.  Hurt because of_ you _.  Why shouldn’t he kill you?  Why shouldn’t you let him?_

Sarah’s voice was never easy to hear.  But, for once, she was right.  Juno lifted his chin, feeling the knife press just that little bit deeper.

“Do it.”  His voice was low, rough.  Broken.  “Just fucking do it.”

Nureyev increased the pressure, enough that skin broke.  Juno gasped despite himself as he felt tiny rivulets of blood run down his neck ~~just like in his nightmares.~~

The door slid open and Nikola entered again.  “Look, Pemberton, if you’re not going to do it, let me have a go.”

The knife at Juno’s neck vanished suddenly, reappearing in Nikola’s eye as she collapsed, dead.  Nureyev barely spared her another glance before he was back in front of Juno.

“I thought I could do it.”  His voice was shaking, barely a whisper, and Juno automatically leaned forward to catch the words murmured into the space between them.  “Thinking of you _leaving_ made me want to commit murder.  You said you would go, and I can’t fault you for changing your mind, but you could have said.  Should have said.  It was as if I had caught my breath after all this time, just to have the air punched out of my lungs again.”

The way he looked at Juno made Juno’s stomach turn.  “Don’t look at me like that,” Juno spat, voice full of vitriol that was in no way directed at the man in front of him.  “I am not your answer, and you sure as fuck aren’t mine.”

He had to push Nureyev away before they both got hurt again.

Nureyev looked hurt, regardless.  “Tell me you mean that, Juno.”  He had somehow infused warmth back into the word, as if the previous ice crystals had been no more than part of the persona he had worn like a second skin.  Juno knew better.

“Tell me you don’t want me in your life and I’ll leave.  You’ll never hear from me again.  It will be as if I never existed.  Tell me that’s what you want and I’ll be gone.”

“…I can’t do that,” Juno whispered, and Nureyev’s face lit up.  Juno wanted to keep that light forever.

* * *

Juno wasn’t entirely sure how they had gotten back to the surface.  Nureyev had untied him and Juno had spent the rest of the trip curled into a ball battling both his gripping terror of heights and the even more gripping air sickness.  But then they were in his apartment and Nureyev was gently but firmly locking Juno in his bathroom with firm orders not to come out until he was properly clean—“teeth brushed too, Juno!”

Juno had feared that maybe the tables would have turned, that Nureyev would be gone when he emerged from the bath, clean and dressed in ragged sweatpants and an old HCPD shirt that he was nearly positive he had gotten rid of.  But there was the thief, curled comfortably on the couch, thumbing idly through an old book Juno had once acquired for a case.

He looked up when Juno emerged, setting the book aside before standing and pulling Juno in for a single bruising kiss.

“I can’t speak for you, detective, but I am exhausted.  Are there extra blankets for your couch?”

Jun raised his eyebrows (as hard as he tried, he had never mastered raising just the one).  “You really think you’re going to sleep on my _couch_?”

Nureyev deflated.  “I misread the situation, my apologies.  I will find somewhere to stay, then.”

He turned to leave, but Juno wrapped a hand around his wrist.  “I have an idea.”

Juno pulled Nureyev gently into the bedroom, collapsing into bed and arranging pillows to make room for Nureyev beside him.

Nureyev laughed softly.  “I do much prefer this,” he admitted softly.

Maybe Juno didn’t believe he deserved good things.  But maybe, he thought as he drifted off to sleep, curled safe and warm against Peter Nureyev, maybe sometimes he could have them anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a birthday present for my friend Ella, so happy birthday!
> 
> There's a direct quote from my favorite book series in here; if you notice it shout it out!
> 
> Finally, the title and summary are both from If I Told You Once by Circus Contraption. They don't exactly fit the work, but I liked them.


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